I woke up today to the sound of sirens blazing and blaring into my ears like continously. Its a saturday, and this isn't normal at all and for several geniune reasons too.
First, the city of Owerri is a very calm one, its not a place where you ever hear of cops chasing some band of clowns in a small car. Infact, the fourteen years i've spent in this town has been largely uneventful (criminally that is) - except for the 1996 saga, when some ritualists (Otokoto and co) where brought to the attention of the world. The cops in this town would never pray for a transfer or redeployment, thats what i mean, Owerri makes their jobs easy.
Second, even if there was ever need to chase any criminals, the cops in Owerri won't do that! They'll only send out radio messages that "some dangerous criminals are at large, and that the Nigerian Police - who are your friends - are doing everything humanly possible to nab them..." super story, who wants to die? Even the police are scared of dying i guess.
And lastly, i don't even think the police in Owerri have this quantity of cars that have 'working sirens' ...please dont read the wrong meaning into this, maybe they don't have any need for them. #makesaface
But then here i am in my little bedroom, it's 6:53am and sirens are blaring all kinds of wicked aches into my head. "Biko nu, what is happening?" i asked my little brother. He was like "Ah! Brother Chibuike! Have you forgotten that the president is visiting the state today?"
"Oho! Is that what all these is about? Where did they get all these siren Jeeps nah? Did that thief of a Governor steal them? Or did Jonathan fly in with them?" I walked into the varandah overlooking the streets and lo and behold, all kinds of funny-looking policemen parading the streets in ugly black uniforms. Damn! I burst into laughter. Ah! were these policemen placed all over the town to prevent another bomb blast? I pity the mumu people that put them here. They'll practically help the bombers carry this bomb without knowing. These policemen are dumb please! Well na only God go save Jonathan today sha, this policemen can't protect him.
Emm, my sister just came around to remind me of a Youth empowerment christain programme at a nearby café by 9.00am. I decided i'd go shaa, besides, my phone battery was flat, i needed to charge it (i'll talk about the stupidity of PHCN later abeg).
Its 9:30am, i put on the most coporate attire i had and chai, i was looking like one young handsome bank manager please! Hehe, i'm going to show them i'm a very smart young man, and if it's possible, make some chicas dump their boyfriends. Hehe.
I arrived the café at 9:45 approximately, and i was directed to the topmost floor. O boy, i hope say this people go give us food here oh... A hungry man is an angry man please. If them no give me food, i go scatter this programme (na true... Me na only mouth i get oh). When i got to the third floor, i saw arranged chairs and stuff, i even saw smart looking young men and ladies but mehn i couldnt see any coolers or crates of minerals or wine ni. 'See this people, make dem sha no carry me play oh!' But i maintained shaa, carried myself majestically over to the last row admist stares.
After prayers and songs, the programme began in ernest. The moderator came forward and announced that today's meeting was a parliamentary one, where we shall discuss 'Nigeria at 50, the way forward' "I dont have any problem with that" i thought in my mind, "Infact, i was going to show these cute young people i'm in a class of my own".
The section began oh, and the first subject on the table was 'Ok Nigeria just clocked 50, is there anything worth celebrating?' Hmmm i thought hard for a minute and then raised my hand to answer (you know say i too dey show myself nah) but lo, someone else was answering. A short, fair, smartly-dressed dude at the far corner. I began to access him; he said his name was walter, and he seemed a little nervous.
"Mr Speaker, i think Nigeria has a lot to celebrate for **clears throat** Over the last 50 years, we have slowly but steadily grown economically" (this guy dosn't know what he is talking about - i thought mischievously) "We are one of the richest nations in the world" (maybe your father is a senator) "We have lots of good universities, and our power sector is improving" (that was it. I couldnt take it anymore!)
"Objection Sir!" All eyes turned towards me, and i immediately regretted my outburst. Jeez! I for kukuma shutup oh! But then it was too late, i had to say something, and something smart too.
I stood up like a Reverend Father and faced them.
"I am Henry Madu, and i beg to disagree with my good friend over there" (friend ke?). "I don't want to sound overly pessimistic but this country is in shambles please." I thought i heard a couple of giggles from somewhere - encouraging, and i was feeling all confident now.
"It's easy to criticize, but tell me what kind of country won't have ordinary electricity for three days in a row?" "Well that kind of country is Nigeria and look i came to this meeting just so that i could use the café's standby generator because the one my father managed to buy broke down two nights ago." I took a quick breath, looked around and continued.
"Our leaders are modernized thieves and rogues, they just sit with their oversized heads and tummies everyday in their offices sharing and dissecting the so-called national cake." "Nothing works in this country and even the sun is angry." Everybody laughed... good, i'm doing well, i thought. "It's a different thing to hope for a better Nigeria but please don't go telling me that we should go about celebrating. Celebrating what? Our poverty? If you are not the son of a senator, i think you should know what i'm talking about. Thank you."
With that i sat down oh. A couple of girls were already glancing towards my direction, hehe, that's a good sign, i thought. And besides, i recieved an applause.
I was getting hungry mehn and i left home without waiting for breakfast. My sis said they would give us breakfast and lunch here, that was why i didnt bother. The scent of pies and other delicacies drifting in from the café below didn't serve to help matters either. Choi! I looked at myself, i was already slimming down, and it was 12noon or thereabout. Even my sister that made me come here isn't even here. All manner of thoughts began to parade my mind oh. 'Did Amaka plan this scam for me as revenge for her chicken lap i ate last night?' 'No no, she can't do that to a brother who's trying to recover from a dangerous bout of malaria'. Hmmm but ever since primary school, Amaka has been a very mean sister. I remember she once put two large cockroaches into my lesson food just because i didnt give her some of the meatpie i bought during break. Hunger almost killed me that day. I was walking zig-zag on my way home back from lesson, and the little she-devil was behind me, laughing at me in the company of her friends. I didn't even have the strenght to chase her and beat her. That's my sister for you.
Yes, but Amaka is a mature girl now, she wouldn't do this to a sick brother. I picked up my phone to call her, but then remembering my phone was as broke as my pocket was (as at press time) i dropped it.
My attention returned to the programme. The speaker was lamenting about the disunity among churches that necessitated the proliferation of churches. He was saying that the church won't be able to fight the government and speak up against evil if it remains in disunity. He reminded me of a funny thing i saw last wednesday on my way to Oceanic bank (don't ask me what i went there to do ok).
I saw a 3-roomed bungalow along a popular street off whetheral road (for those of you that know Owerri well). In these 3 rooms were 3 churches, the name of the first church in the first room was 'Fire on the Mountain Missions Incoporated'. The name of the second was 'Jesus will answer now now ministries' (dont laugh yet), and the name of the last but obviously not the least church was 'Holy Ghost Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Church of Nigeria'. Ope! I couldn't even laugh when i saw this, and i was thinking in my heart, NATO and the US Army need to get involved here oh. Now a lot of you might doubt if i actually saw these churches and will argue that the names were fabricated. I can assure you that they weren't, and i swear over my night food today that i actually saw these churches.
Emm, i think i'll pause my writting for now. This headache has returned and i hope i'm not getting sick again. This sickness don tire me sef, e bi lyk say i go go do HIV test oh. I'll continue writing later, but that is dependent on the reception this little writeup recieves. And just so you'll know, if you read this blog, i love you. Muchas Gracias!
